For over a year I, like so many others have avoided being in close proximity to my family and friends. Many of them are in a high risk group for severe Covid complications and I was desperate to protect them and myself. I was so afraid of losing any of them, particularly after mourning the loss of 6 close family members in the past 4 years. When there is so much death surrounding you, it's hard not to cling harder to the people in your life. So we followed all the recommendations. We kept ourselves out of each other's homes, cars, and arms, despite the misery and awkwardness it caused.
Now we are on the cusp of a major turning point...vaccination! A good portion of my family and friends are partially vaccinated, as am I. The day is looming ever closer when we can hug each other again. I should be overcome with joy, right? And on an intellectual level, I am excited for that sweet day, but I have a confession to make: My emotions are a mess. Because of the deadly nature of this virus, the pure joy that I would normally feel when face to face with those I hold dear has become very complicated by other emotions that are now wrapped up with the joy. There is fear and dread in there. There is uncertainty about the possible variants and sadness over the loss of a year. It's all twisted together with my love and joy like a ball of tangled thread. I don't know what to expect to feel when I start being able to touch people and be close to them. I am not sure it will be the unbridled happiness I imagined a year ago when this began. I believe it will take some time to pull the ends of the threads and untangle the fear and dread and desire to protect my loved ones from the possible disaster that could be the result of my touch. I don't think I'm alone in this. I hope we can all cut ourselves and each other some slack if we don't feel the way we are "supposed" to or how we thought we would. This pandemic has wrapped up the most basic human need for connection in trauma. Let's be patient while we unwind it.
